By Amanda Estes

Staff Writer

    “In many ways I felt as though I was the
perpetrator…they had lost people and I had survived,” said Alan Putnam
of his experience in support groups following his suicide attempt more
than 10 years ago. “In all that despair some extra guilt about possibly
leaving my family without a husband, without a father, didn’t help the
situation any. What I really needed was hope and some indication that
people really did survive and went on to live happy lives.”

    Putnam said, like most people, he does not want to
talk about suicide. Instead the Cape Elizabeth resident would rather
talk about the experience that restored his appreciation for life: a
5,000-mile solo bicycle trek across the country. Putnam shares his
story in a book, still being edited, entitled "The Cows Look at Me
Funny."

    “I was changing a flat tire in Arizona and
speculating about whether they were cows or whether they were bulls and
that I wasn’t going anywhere until I got the flat fixed,” he said of
the book’s quirky title. “In some ways it was almost a sociological
statement: I am who I am and I’ve done something a fair number of
people have done or thought about and by talking about it, people look
at me funny.”

    Putnam said the book’s tone is upbeat, but he also
talks about the experience of waking up in the emergency room and
realizing he had survived his attempt to take his own life.

    On Feb. 1, 1995, Putnam said he couldn’t bring
himself to live anymore. Looking back on that day, he still doesn’t
know how he survived. On that day he drove his car out to the middle of
a blueberry field, hooked a hose up to the tailpipe, and left the
engine running. He said he turned the radio off because he didn’t want
to feel any sentiments. It was three or four hours later that someone
discovered Putnam and transported him to the hospital.

    “I was fortunate in many ways,” he said. “I was out of sight and it was supposed to snow that night.”

     Putnam said the combination of a failing
business, a dissolving marriage, and turning 50 exacerbated underlying
feelings of depression and anxiety. It was after the suicide attempt
and his marriage ended that Putnam bought a bike and signed up for the
American Lung Association of Maine’s Trek Across Maine, a three-day,
180-mile ride. Although Putnam has had asthma all his life, he was able
to complete the trip and the following fall, Putnam went to Cape
Breton, Nova Scotia and bicycled up three mountains in three days.

    During these events, Putnam said he began to see
cycling treks as a “great way to revision one’s life” and he began to
think about a longer trek.   

    The cross-country trek began in October 2002 from
Camden, Putnam’s place of birth. He said there was some symbolism in
choosing that location as his starting point. From Camden, he rode to
Assateague Island, Maryland, where he camped amidst the herds of wild
ponies that wander the area’s beaches, forests, and salt marsh. After
that experience, Putnam had to return to Maine to take care of some
things and he put the bike in storage. After a winter of no riding,
Putnam resumed his trek in March and reached San Diego in June.

    Putnam said his friends and family were supportive,
but cautious. They inquired whether Putnam was worried about the people
he might encounter on the road or whether his health would allow him to
complete the trek. Putnam said, for him, those fears weren’t a
factor.   

    “What bothered me more was the prospect that I might
spend the next 30 or 40 years clueless about what to do with my life,”
he said. “I had some challenges along the way. My friends were
supportive…but nobody offered to go with me.”

    Throughout his journey Putnam said he garnered
support from the people he met on the road. Between Maine and
Pennsylvania, in particular, Putnam said he frequently met people who,
like him, were “coming back from something.” He said among them, he met
individuals who were recuperating from a stroke and degenerative muscle
disease.

    “For the longest time…running through the back of my
mind, was that I was coming back from Hell,” he said. “I was really
suffering from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and when you’re in
that frame of mind, you really want to give up. As I was riding, there
were lots of times when I wanted to give up…and it became an analogy:
it was fine for me to give up so long as I was willing to stay wherever
that was.”

    When asked which area of the country he most
enjoyed, Putnam hesitated. He said the Black Range Mountains of New
Mexico stand out in his mind. The mountains, he said, were “so much
bigger than (he) ever imagined,” and he did have some concern whether
he could actually navigate them successfully.

    In terms of the region he most enjoyed, Putnam said
that would probably be the Midwest. He said the ride through Texas had
been hot and dusty until he came upon the San Marcos River, located in
the center of the city, San Marcos.

    “It was crystal clear and it was right in the middle
of a college campus and there were college kids in there swimming,” he
said. Putnam got over his initial bashfulness, secured his bike, and
went into the river. The next day, he went tubing in the Guadalupe
River. “I never knew you could find that much water in the middle of a
very dry place.” He said those days were a turning point in his trip,
because up to that point with a few exceptions, the trip had been
relatively mundane.     

    Putnam said he needed a challenge to change his
life. He said the suicidal thoughts lingered with him for some time,
but he has learned how to cope with them instead of giving in to them.
He said he learned how to reach out to others and developed a phone
list of people he feels comfortable discussing his thoughts with. He
said writing the book has also given him a method to come to terms with
his own feelings.

    “You spend a lot of time sorting out what it is you really think about it,” he said.

    Putnam started the book on the road and has been
working on it, on and off, for the last three years. He currently works
as an accountant but said what he really wants to do is write his
story. Putnam doesn’t have a publisher, but he has approached a few
agents, which he said is a necessary step in order to get a publisher.

    “It’s sort of like the bike ride,” he said. “I’m not
exactly sure how I’m going to get there. I just know I’m going to have
to get on that bike and pedal everyday and eventually I’ll get to where
I’m going.”

    Putnam said he wanted to make the book accessible to
a wide audience. He said the book is not about any of the technical
aspects of his trip, but rather it is about the people he met along the
way. He said it also has a love story, as he got back from his trek
just in time to marry his wife, Sherry.

    Although suicide is not the focus of the book,
Putnam said a lot of people can relate to the feelings or experiences
that might cause someone to think about taking their own life.

    “Depression, PTSD, and suicide (are)… in one way or
another, right there for a lot of folks,” he said. “It turns out from
my own experiences, it’s a really lousy way to die and I don’t want to
see anyone going through that.”   

    In the event that Putnam cannot find a publisher for
his book, he said he will self publish. He said the message he is
promoting is too important not to talk about. He stressed that he wants
his story to be an example for others who are struggling in their
lives.  He also said he has plans for another book, which will
focus on his recovery process.

    Putnam can be reached for comment at aputnam1@maine.rr.com.